HipsterChick: Dude, your face is messed up.
HipsterChick: Did you hear me, or am I wasting my time with you? Your face took a total beating from that boomerang. It’s going to make my job more difficult.
Jack: Hello? Please help me. I’m done. Just put an end to this.
HipsterChick: That was such a lame thing to say. Just hold still, man.
Jack: Hold still? Where am I? Who are you? Oww!!
HipsterChick: I said hold still. Whole Foods is closed so if you knock over my organic coffee and tofu salad, I’ll walk.
Jack: Oww. What was that? Who are you?
HipsterChick: That was me finishing the “e”, and if you don’t hold still, the next letter will look even worse. My peeps call me MC Ink, but my real name is Uphir. Stop moving.
Jack: I just spent forever getting out of quicksand. I was bit by a snake. My nose was broken. I don’t feel well. Owww! Hey. What the hell was that?
HipsterChick: That was the “l”. It’s like so funny that you said “hell”. It gets me every time one of you says that. “What the Hell”. Do you have any idea how dumb you sound? The next thing you’ll say is that you like Coldplay.
Jack: What’s Coldplay?
HipsterChick: Forget it. Now, I need to dot the “i”, so if you move, it’ll look like another “l”, and that won’t make sense.
Jack: What won’t make sense? What are the letters? Why is my forehead stinging? I just want to be left alone. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I’ve done terrible things.
HipsterChick: Don’t apologize to me, I love what you did. You’re keeping me in business, pal , and after this I should be able to get a sweet new pair of skinny jeans and some new cans for my DJ show tonight. Now hold tight while I get the “h” done. No squirming.
Jack: Are you giving me a tattoo?
HipsterChick: No, I’m standing here, dipping this device in ink, and then I’m baking cookies on your forehead. Yes, I’m giving you a tattoo.
Jack: Why?
HipsterChick: You’ll see. Just hold tight. It’s your final eternity, Jack, so it’s important that we get this right. The “p” is going to hurt a bit. Here it goes.
Jack: Oww. Shit. Are you serious? This is my final eternity? What does that mean?
HipsterChick: It means that you are going to have some freedom, Jack. The Boss worked out a deal with that fancy guy in the sky – these things happen every now and then. But these deals come with a price – and that’s what I’m working on.
Jack: What? You mean I’m going back to earth? Really?
HipsterChick: Jack, you’re a few prongs shy of a trident, aren’t you? No, you’re not going to earth. Hold tight, here’s the “o”.
Jack: Ahh.
HipsterChick: You’ve being given a Get Out of Hell card. I guess The Boss thought you were too annoying for us –and you have the option of going to heaven with all of the other losers if you want. But, we’re giving you a going away present – something that will show everyone what you’ve been up to. The rest is up to you.
Jack: That’s great. I can’t believe it. I’m finally getting out of here.
HipsterChick: Yeah, I can’t believe it either. I thought you were down here for good, but stranger things have happened – like the time I hosted a totally sweet dance party in my basement and everyone ended up wearing the same pair of skinny jeans and the same t-shirt. We’re all so original, so what are the odds of that?!!!!
Jack: I don’t know what you’re saying, but I’ll take it. I’m ready. Oww!
HipsterChick: You’re not ready. That was the “d”. Two letters left.
Jack: So what are you spelling? So far, it spells “elihpod”. Is that some sort of hell word?
HipsterChick: Yeah, it’s a hell word. We have words from hell. No, you idiot. But, you surprised me, Jack, I didn’t think you could keep track of the letters. It’s not the best work I’ve ever done, but it’s sweet. It reminds me of the 16th tattoo I got on my ankle. And, here’s another “e”. One more letter, the capital “P” and we’re done. Hold still…..and….there we go.
Jack: elihpodeP? What the hell is that?
HipsterChick: It’s you, Jack. Don’t you know? Oh….wait….I forgot, you need a mirror. Let me swing your chair around, buddy.
Jack: It says “Pedophile”. What? Oh, no. You didn’t. I’m going to have to wear this on my head forever?
HipsterChick: That’s the deal. But, what you get in return is your freedom. If you ask me, it’s an easy price to pay – but I guess I’m not factoring in your time with Belieber14, TrucknBranMan, AlexCupcheck, and AussieYobbo. Apparently you learned some things about what you’ve done to so many innocent children – apparently you learned enough to get The Boss to broker a deal – he never keeps peeps around once they’ve learned something. We only like empty souls here (well….that and skinny jeans, bumper stickers, tattoos, turntables, and indie rock).
Jack: Ok. I understand. I will continue my eternity with my past tattoo’d to my forehead for everyone to see. I can manage that as long as it’s not down here.
HipsterChick: That settles it, dude. Now I can enjoy my organic tofu-soy salad. My work is done. You’re out of my hands. The Boss has spoken, and you’re a free man. But, if you even slip, don’t forget that The Boss can broker another deal, and I hope he does. If you come back I can teach you so much about music and ink you up some more.
Jack: Thank you, Uphir. You have no idea how…
HipsterChick: Shut up. Get out.
