My name is Chris. I’m in my mid-thirties, recently married and living in Richmond, VA. I had what many would describe as the perfect American upbringing. I was raised by loving parents in a family of five. I’m the meat in the sibling sandwich – an older sister by two years, and a younger brother by ten. My father was in the military so we moved every few years. I was athletic, smart, and social – a good kid, so fitting in at a new school was fairly easy for me. In fact, almost everything was easy for me. I was the luckiest kid in the world. That was, until two FBI Agents walked into my ninth grade algebra class, pointed towards me, and ruined everything.
The Agents were following up on a complaint that was filed by a relative of mine accusing my Grandmother’s husband, Francis “Jack” Gist, of molestation twenty years prior. My Grandmother had married Jack not too long after my real Grandfather died in a plane crash. My dad was 16 at the time, so I never met my Grandfather. When I broke down in tears moments after they said Jack’s name, it was clear to the Agents that I had also been molested. But, once I pulled myself together, I said I had only been propositioned by Jack, and nothing more. A “close call” as my parents would always note.
The truth was that Jack molested me on and off over a period of seven years. The first time it happened, I was a very confused seven year old. A year later we moved in with he and my Grandmother for about three months and since I hadn’t told anyone before, he knew he had me. After that, it was on and off. Holidays always had a different twist. I remember Christmas mornings being so great, but after opening presents my anxiety would build as I waited for Jack and my Grandmother to arrive for dinner. He would find ways to get me alone. He liked to convince my parents to let me go “driving” with him. I had no chance.
My shame was deep and an unwelcomed stain on our otherwise perfect family, so I maintained the “close call” story when I discussed the FBI encounter with my parents that night. Jack knew he was being investigated and he called me to make sure I was keeping up my end of the bargain – denying that anything had happened. I was scared by his strange, increasingly aggressive phone calls and began sleeping with a Buck knife under my pillow. About a week later, Jack died suddenly of a heart attack while stepping out of the shower. When we buried Jack at Arlington National Cemetery, my family buried everything to do with Jack – we made a pact as a family to never talk about him again. I buried the shame, the memories – the truth. And it worked, for a while.
My life carried on. I wasn’t going to let it slow me down. I lived life to the fullest – a funny guy who loved adventure. My resume boasted: “Captain of University Lacrosse Team, Bachelor of Science in Mechanical Engineering, U.S. Navy Intelligence Officer, Master of Business Administration, Advertising Agency Senior Account Executive”. Everyone applauded my accomplishments, but it meant absolutely nothing to me. In fact, the more I accomplished, the worse I felt. I started distancing myself from friends. I finally hit my wall in August 2009. I had just been married to my amazing wife the April before, and I was trying to start a small business. But, I couldn’t control the thoughts about my past from creeping into my head. My relationship with my parents was deteriorating and I had so much unexplained anger. Hearing an interview with a sexual abuse survivor on a morning radio show was the little nudge I needed to face my past and begin my journey. And here I am.
Chris, each time that another survivor of childhood sexual abuse speaks out it gives other survivors the courage to speak out and tell their stories. I am so glad to see men finally beginning to speak out about their abuse. Now we will have a better picture of just how big the problem of child sexual abuse is.
I know how difficult this journey is and you are worth the effort to heal. We all are. I am an incest survivor myself with 20+ years of working on my issues. I have healed a lot of my stuff and still I sometimes find more to heal. I am in a much better spot than I was in the beginning. I know that given time you will be in a better place too. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your healing journey.
Hi Chris,
I totally agree with you about the impact of the taboos about talking about abuse on survivors. I’ve been healing from CSA by my father for 20+ years now, and I want to tell you, it gets a lot better. You’re doing exactly the right thing talking about it and sharing the pain and burden. I started my own blog when it became clear my abuser would be dying. I’m planning to dance on his grave, partly in celebration of surviving and healing, and partly to raise awareness about CSA. He’s unfortunately taking his time dying, but I still plan to do it.
Nice to meet you,
SwordDanceWarrior
SwordDanceWarrior – that is great encouragement from someone who clearly has a lot of courage. Thank you. Nice to meet you too. Chris
Hi, I got here through a fb post… you are a brave person. Unfortunately, so many victims are silenced by fear.
Thank you, Gaby. Fear is a dangerous thing – we all hold it, but what we do with it is up to us, i think. Take care. Chris
Chris. I applaud your courage. I have a blog too, dealing with this same issue and some other things as well. I think you might be on the same site as me ( malesurvivor ). No more silence…
Mike.
Michael – I’ve visited your site and am inspired by your writing. I hope you keep pushing forward – the loud ones are the ones the silent ones need. Chris
Chris,
I stumbled upon your blog last night purely by chance. After reading a few posts, I still can’t remember exactly what I was looking up before I found this site. I don’t know how to say this, but right now I’m going through a similar situation. I was abused about 20yrs ago, never told anyone until recently, and just started therapy a few weeks ago. Some other things struck a chord with me as well, such as being in the Navy (currently active duty). It’s hard for me to accurately describe how your story has given me hope in my own recovery. I just wanted to say thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Good luck and thank you again.
Shawn – thank you for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with similar issues – this is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone….well, maybe one person. I don’t know how many resources you have access to, so forgive me if you already know these: I’ve found that the website http://www.malesurvivor.org is a great way to feel like you’re among many, many men going through similar things. The other thing that is helping me immensely right now is a book by Mike Lew, called Victims No Longer. It’s a little old (like late ’80s) but his research into male incest survivor issues/emotions/pain/recovery is more dead-on than the other twenty-or-so books i’ve read. There’s an interesting section that talks about how male victims are often drawn to careers in the military. Since I’m in the middle of this as well, I won’t offer any advice, but just keep going – we’ll all get there and we’ll change the way the world treats this issue one day. Best of luck to you as well and if you need anyone to chat with for any reason, feel free to email me at buryingjack@gmail.com. Chris
Chris,
How does one start, just want you to know that you are part of our family and we’re here to support you and help in anyway we can. You’ll always be in my prayers everyday. What you went through must have been horrible, and I can’t imagine what it was like for you. There are numerous emotions that I experienced when reading your history. I think what you are doing is very brave, and I hope you can find some relief through your therapy sessions (it sounds like your latest therapist is more in tune with you). I’m very proud to know you and all that you have accomplished. Even if what you’re doing just helps one person it would be worth it. God Bless Uncle Tony
Tony – thanks for your encouragement and your support. I have the same belief – that airing my laundry is well worth it if someone – if just one person – can somehow benefit. The good news is that, while I’m struggling at times, I’m better than I have been in over twenty years. Looking forward to catching up soon and thanks again. Chris
Oh Chris-
I am sitting here crying as I read– both moved by your words and amazed by the strength of the person you are. This blog is deeply moving– hearing about your recovery (with its ups and downs) is just incredible. I will be carrying your words around in my head and thinking about you and will keep you in my prayers.
Love you and your fantastic wife. ~Adie
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Chris, the amazing thing about you doing this blog is the fact that you are male. Women talk about these things but men do not. Strangely enough I am a woman who has had this experience and you are the first one to describe how I feel in words that fit, including the therapy work. Thank you for putting it out there for others to have some words to hold onto, and put in their pocket, that they can pull out when they can’t speak.
Julie, thank you for your words of encouragement. I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing, but I completely agree, it seems like more women are comfortable expressing what’s happened, and what they’re going through. I’m trying to provide a male’s perspective as detailed as possible – because that’s what I was always looking for. So glad that it has made some sense to you. I hope you’re moving in a good direction. Strength in Numbers. Chris
This blog is inspiring. Don’t stop. Your raw honesty is helping not just yourself, but everyone that cares about you. It’s a change to read something other than what we want to hear. Change is difficult for a lot of people, but this is the kind that makes will thing right. I hope you continue writing even beyond therapy. Your journey will just add to the ‘numbers’ of which we can all draw strength from. We’re all here for you. Love you.
Chris, I hope you know me well enough to know that writing has never been on of my strongsuits (I actually just opened microsoft word just to make sure I spelt strongsuits correctly). My point is that it’s always been difficult to put my thoughts into words. I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you for doing what your doing and give me a call anytime. You really have always been a role model to me and I want you to know I’m not just saying that. You truely are one of the best and still one of my role models. Newt
Dear Chris,
We love you so much. You are a gifted writer. Reading your blog is painful yet so necessary. We are so proud of you for facing your demons and seeking therapy. Thank you for allowing us to read about your sessions and for helping other survivors.
We are so sorry for not realizing the possibility that you had been abused. We accepted your story that Jack had only tried once when we should have had many family discussions about how it affected you, thereby drawing you out of your denial. You were just an innocent boy who ended up facing and burying the abuse alone. We hope that your blog will help other survivors of abuse as well as help parents listen more carefully and address any issues which are disturbing.
We love you with all our hearts and pray for you every day,
Mom and Dad
Stay strong! The road to recovery is not easy but worth it.
Chris, I admire you for being so brave and communicating-it’s so important in life. We are always here for you. Writing is extremely therapeutic and you will help so many others by doing it. Keep it up! I think this is great and I just wanted you to know that. Love you!
We love you, Chris. Thank you for sharing your story. Your honesty and courage will undoubtedly help and encourage others. Keep writing.